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Sunday, December 26th, 2010
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12:21 pm
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| Saturday, January 14th, 2006
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11:06 am - I still smell like Euphoria, the perfume, duh.
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( I $cored at Old Navy last night. )
Anyway,
my fast went well. I got so much accomplished and I can see if I continue this pattern of strapping down during the week I'll grow to be more responsible. God showed me that I can't worry about what other people are doing to themselves all the time because it's their desicion, it is possibly the most frustrating thing I have ever encountered, but I need to learn to let go in that sense, I can't make desicions for them, only for myself. It's what God does for us, and I'm sure it makes him sad alot of the time to see us making horrible desicions but I also know that it makes him really glad when we make good desicions, but he doesn't control us. He speaks to us, or shows us different things, but our choice making is entirely up to us if we want to go with what he says or not. I also realized that I need to go to bed at ten in order to recieve the correct amount of sleep, when I do so, I'm not tired at all during school the next day and I will need that type of energy for finals next week. And the last thing I realized that it's not very smart to get completely involved in his life (I'm speaking vaguely of someone), and the same goes for him. There are several reasons, and right now alot of prayer is needed. Alot.
Last night I saw everyone and I was glad, even though there's alot of siliness, I really enjoy the serious talks I have. I think it freaks some people out that alot of me is serious and sometimes I just need to lay back and be that way, I'm not silly all the time, I don't feel like being that way sometimes. I mean, truly, I wish that sometimes we'd sit in prayer for eachother, but I know that will happen eventually when everyone let's God through. Sometimes, the uzse is like a drug to me, a place to unbuckle and forget, other times it's a battlefield, where I'm battling for my own sanity, patience, and for the wellness of others when people leave their uncareful mistakes on them. My heart is so fond of these people and I love them so much.
I just found a Delirious? cd in my collection that I didn't know I had! AND it has my favorite song on it that iTunes refused to let me download because it was album only, I almost bought the album but there were complications and I couldn't. I lost the song before I reformatted my computer, I'm so happy! I love when God blesses me even after I do some pretty stupid things.
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 25th, 2005
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3:04 pm
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So I'm wearing this amazing lotion called "White Jasmine" and it smells like Kauai. It reminds me of summer, the sunshine, completely immersed in joy throughout the season. This is a good memory. I have changed my mindset, I am so glad I recieved what I did. It's so easy to let your heart and mind travel to jealousy and bitterness, I don't like that place, and it doesn't show that I'm appreciative that my parents spent alot of money on all of us. I have alot of useful and lovely things now, and when it comes down it, Christmas isn't about this craze and obsession with material things (though it's so easy to give into, because I think everyone in our modern society wants stuff), it's alot harder to sit with your family for a day and enjoy their presence, at least for me it is. God is helping me, and I am feeling better emotionally and mentally. I need a nap or something though, I still feel gross.
Here's what was given to me: NIV Study Bible, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Christian Soul (these books make me lol a little but it's cute), The Screwtape Letters, The Four Loves, Mere Christianity, a Paris planner, neon reindeer socks (haha), running clothes, Victoria's Secret giftcard and pajamas, Old Navy giftcard, a Party Lite candle, "Beware of Cat" pillow, lotion and bodywash, Gas Card, Starbucks Card, Bellevue Square card, and money from grandparents.
To be honest, I think they felt bad about the laptop because I've never gotten this much stuff for Christmas before, I'm really thankful for it. I told you I'm spoiled, and a brat. But I'm over my stupidity.
Now, I'm going to Blockbuster because I am demanding that the family watches Star Wars with me. I need to watch it more to understand it better, I am excited.
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1:29 am
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There's a perfect amount in which I must drink this tea, because if I drink too much I feel weird again, and if I drink to little I don't feel weird at all. The point is, I feel disgusting, awful, headachey, sniffley, achey-all-over (it would sound funny if I wrote "over-y"), and I am hoping this tea will do something. I want to go to sleep now, but I haven't been able to for the past three hours, this is definitely a bummer. Yes it is.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 23rd, 2005
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10:49 pm
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I applied to three colleges tonight, my dad laughed when I asked him about Hillsong, so I will be applying to that school later after I get my student visa.
Northwest University
Olivet Nazarene University
Greenville College
Please accept me!
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
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10:48 am
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I can't even explain how infuriated I am with myself. I took the written test TWICE, failed both times, the second time with a 74%. I tried so hard, I have been studying two days for this, and I wasted Cindy's money. My dad is upset with me because he thinks that if I was truly serious about this and I wanted it this bad, I would have passed. I am sick of being shown up by 15 year old kids. Yes, I am having a pity party right now, but I don't care. I'm upset that my life always seems to take the harder routes, things don't come easily for me, I don't attain anything with ease at all. In all honesty, I'm not sure why God even had it all planned like this, I guess when it comes down to it, I should have studied harder. I don't know, and now my ID looks stupid because I was almost crying when they took my picture. Wah wah wah.
( Edit. )
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
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10:33 pm
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11:06 am
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I am always stuck in this strange position where I feel strongly compelled to "fix" people. I have come to a conclusion, to other's its a theory, the most I can be is compassionate, loving, and accepting but I can't fix anybody's problems, fixing requires strength and will of their own self and if they choose to let God in and help them fix things. Fixing and transforming your mind and heart is all a choice you have to make, everyone else is here to simply help you make it through. I wish I could fix people though.
I am excited to wrap presents today, I know the person I am a secret-santa to will love his gift.
I'm going to a party tonight, I am very excited. Except, I have to be home by 7:30am so I am wondering if I should even go because I can't drive myself, and I don't want to make other people get up at seven to leave. I am getting my permit tomorrow! This way I will be able to get my lisence when I am eighteen.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, December 19th, 2005
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11:35 pm
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My dad's coughing again, he must be stressed.
I shopped for everyone I needed to shop for, I feel good about it.
I am going to be more feminine.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 18th, 2005
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1:01 pm
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God blessed me so much today. Cindy prepaid me alot of money that I didn't expect I would recieve. Now I can buy Christmas gifts for my friends and family, thank you Jesus.
And because I'm always sort upset about other stuff, my friends are pretty good at ditching/not inviting me to things. Yeah, sweet. Good thing Jesus doesn't ditch me.
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| Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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8:14 pm
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11:50 am
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Some thoughts.
I love my friends alot, even if relationships change, just accept it.
I really hope I get a laptop for Christmas.
I am praying that my dad will let me go to Hillsong.
I am praying that I can get my permit on Wednesday.
I'm super excited for Tuesday night, FYI, you know what I mean.
I can't paint until the new year, this upsets me. I want to show you what I have been doing.
New Year's Resolution:
Originally, I wanted it to be that I wouldn't cut my hair for one year. But if anyone knows about making goals, they would know that a person should make a realistic one so it's easily attained, I tend to dream big and never achieve, so I will start small. My choice has been revised, I will not cut my hair for six months. Thats the month I graduate, 06/07/06. By the way, I was going to graduate on 06/06/06 but PTA moms (which is who I blame to create everything that's stupidly wrong in the LWSD, I'm sure I'm ignorant) changed the graduation in fear of a superstition, I know I'd be okay.
What's on your Christmas/Hanukka list?
Oh, and you should checkout http://happyhalfthetime.blogspot.com
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| Thursday, December 15th, 2005
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7:39 am
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I had the worst dream I've ever had this morning, I feel like bawling my eyes out.
My dad, someone named corey (I don't know who this person is), and I were at a foresty pond, we were going to go swimming and we were sitting on the dock. Both of them tried to get me to go in with them, but I refused because the water was so murky and gross. So they both agreed not to bother me about it anymore. But later, Corey grabbed my hand and I had noticed he was holding my dad's too, and they were getting in the water. I got pulled in, but I grabbed on to the corner of the dock with all of my strength, I noticed they were gone, but then something grabbed my feet and was trying very hard to pull and hang on to me. Then there was a roaring noise in the water, and I kept hanging on. The whole time I thought they were just trying to make me go swimming with them, the hands let go and to roaring stopped. I had noticed nobody had come out of the water for a very long time, and so I got out and ran away to get someone. Later, we came back and there were police investigating, the pond was drained and I looked inside. It look like it was a dungeon with a drill inside it, then I looked over in the corner on the bottom and as they were finishing draining the pond, the water was bloody red and I realized that my dad and Corey were killed. I saw their bodies mangled next to eachother and I couldn't look at it anymore. I didn't believe that my dad had died, so I went to school and I caught on the news about what had happened. I then was starting to see that it was the truth and my dad was dead, so I opened the photo room door and everyone was laughing and giggling, and I started crying really hard. No one had noticed so I walked away, and I was screaming and crying because I didn't want to believe my dad was dead.
Throughout the dream I kept waking up and I had believed my dad was gone, so I had one of the worst nights of sleep in a long time. I was supposed to sleep in this morning because I have a doctors appointment in about an hour but I didn't sleep much. I feel so awful.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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1:37 pm
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Hello you all.
You should check out my friend Kurt's music blog: http://happyhalfthetime.blogspot.com/
He featured me in it, and you should check it out. There are some other wonderful artists in there as well.
In other news, I'm exhausted. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see what is going on with me, things you don't know about, but I'm praying that it's nothing major or life changing. I have no sympathy for some people right now, I'm trying very hard, but it's tough when their arguments are weak. I miss somebody alot, I admit it. I won't admit who, it's pointless. Curiosoity killed the cat anyway. I've decided I am going to eat something small every five hours, that way I can keep my body warmer, metabolism up, and energy levels up. I need to figure out what I'm going to eat though, sugary snacks are not a good option. I have noticed lately all the repetition of certain things, and what I've learned about repetion in stories is that it is something the character has an inner-war with, I want to know if I am truly having an inner war with these things... yes I think I do. Two more days, two more days.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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9:47 pm
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| Sunday, December 11th, 2005
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10:13 pm
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I realized today
I will never be able to win anyone's heart romantically.
The only kind of love I understand is father to child unconditional love.
Paige, you have mercy on others. You have compassion and care, and even if they can't see it, you aren't doing anything wrong. I have mercy on you.
That God is my only hope, he is my only strength, my only reason for getting up in the morning.
God is more steady and unchanging in his love, that he will never forsake me, and his arms are always outstretched to me, but these past five years I've invested more emotion and thought into giving my heart away to boys instead of the one and only who loved me first, fully, and most genuinely.
I can't change the heart of others, I can only say what's going on, but they have to choose to change it.
My dad loves me, he's just hurt because he misses me.
I want to be more merciful and kind to others, that's what I want from others too.
I have amazing friends that call me to see how I'm doing, I have amazing friends that hug me when I feel like giving up and tell me I am a good person and they see that I'm trying.
God isn't going to stop the train when I ask Him to help me, but he'll bring more peace in to my heart to help me make it through.
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| Saturday, December 10th, 2005
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11:25 am - God, your love is amazing, steady and unchanging.
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I made it through the week, with out your prayers I don't think I could have made it as well as I did, every prayer counts. I can't thank you enough.
Yesterday I went to dinner with my family at my Nana's house, she told us it was her Christmas dinner because she can't do it with our family anymore. Understandablly so, my family is really good at making people feel unappreciated, it's the times now, they're blinded by materialistic importance. I know deep down they have a good and loving heart. I wish more people would choose to wake and look for that instead of other things.
My dad got drunk too, somehow the fact I don't have any form of identification or driving lisence/permit came up. That's when my Nana started to go off on how she raised him so that he could do what he wished, that she taught him how to drive when he was fifteen, etc. Then (I don't remember most of this conversation, I remember just being really hurt), my dad started talking about how he knows he has good kids and that deep down we have good hearts, but "she is too self-centered and everything is about 'me, me, me.'" He said he does so much for me, by the way wich is providing what he needs to legally provide for me and I tell him THANK YOU all the time because I appreciate that he's choosing to support me still, and he is sick of never getting anything back or me never doing anything for Cindy or himself. He said he hates that I sit in my room all day and never do anything else around the house. But I've communicated to him over and over, please tell me what you'd like me to do because I have no idea, this isn't my house. Anyway, I told God last night that I'm thankful I have a family, but I'm not thankful that my dad treats me the way he does when he gets drunk, or the way he has recently period. This is why people should not get drunk. Also, it really sucks that dads are probably one of the most important people in life and alot of them just ditch you physically, emotionally, etc. I don't understand this.
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| Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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7:12 am
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I really need your prayer today.
I'm having more anxiety/stress attacks and I feel so sick. I need to go to the doctor for something, please pray I can find a way to go and pay for it. ALKJFDKDddddddddddddddddd I'm sorryforcomplainingalltheitme.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
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9:58 pm
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I have been so depressed latley. On top of that, I'm stressed out of my mind, highly emotional about everything, my patience is dwindling fast. I'm trying so hard to not be so negative, I don't want to bring people down with me, I am trying so so hard. But it almost seems impossible. I want to take a day off and sleep/clean/take care of myself, but once I mention that others get wordy about it and tell me it's not good to live in a cave. No, it isn't. But if you'd like to pay for counciling so I can learn how to cope with my problems, then you may do so. Otherwise, I will live in my cave when I want to. My cat would be my cave animal anyway, so I wont be lonely.
Seriously though, I can't understand anything. I couldn't explain because people like to put words in my mouth, but I can try. Everything is a big blur to me, I don't understand what goes on unless it's remotely interesting or fun to me. I don't concentrate in school and I can't do my work because I'm distracted too easily by other things on my mind I think I have to do (which I don't end up doing by the way). My life is a big planner, but with tasks incompleted or put there to make it seem like I should be busy. I don't write music anymore, I just play with the worship team a few times a month. Then, I get huge anxiety attacks because people understand more than I do about simple things. I feel like I might be going crazy, and I can hear people saying "Oh Paige... You're doing fine." It's easy to say that to anyone becasue you don't know their inside completely. On top of that, I've been stress eating, I've only been craving sugar, salt, and fat. It's so disgusting and I hate it, my body doesn't process food like normal people, and I have the slowest metabolism in the world, so I constantly watch what I eat. It's an uphill battle every day and I can't do any of this without the hope that God gives me every day. If I had it my way, everyone would love the Lord, would serve Him, and I'd worship. Oh wait, that's Heaven... I think. I don't know how far away that is, but I'm going to stick this out as much as I can. God has given me strength, and His grace is so apparent in my life. I refuse to let go of Him because then my life is meaningless, it becomes a mess of drama, shallow things, and uninspired music.
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| Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
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9:48 pm
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I cried alot today, I keep getting hit with all this stress and it's coming out in some ways that I don't want it to. Everyone around me is allowed to feel sad and upset, but when I am they get upset with me. Thank you for being supportive.
No, seriously, and not in sarcasm... God thank you for being my only hope in life right now.
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